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Communicating Effectively with Children

Children’s enthusiasm and excitability in groups can be both contagious and sometimes disruptive. The following communication skills are useful for adult mentors who seek to make the most of a teachable moment when children are very interested in a situation.

“We” Messages:

One key to developing positive, supportive relationships with children is using communication methods based on mutual respect.  “We” messages are those types of communications in which both parties demonstrate respect for the feelings and ideas of the other person.  The adult, in this case, verbally responds to a situation by specifying his or her feelings and reactions, making sure to hear the child’s point of view.  The adult describes the child’s behavior rather than judging it, and points out that there may be consequences of the behavior for the adult or the group of which  the child might not be aware.  This “we” message communication technique seeks to establish a dialogue and foster better communication between the child and the adult.  It helps adults and children to discuss sometimes difficult topics and begin creating solutions that satisfy both of their concerns.  

A sample “we” message’ technique includes the following steps:

Listening Skills:

If a child does not feel listened to, communication can be cut-off.  A child can feel frustration if he or she is not allowed to express excitement.  An adult who does not listen to a child may inadvertently be sending a message to the child that his or her ideas or feelings are not valued by the adult, possibly undermining the child’s confidence. Few children learn to believe in themselves if their parents and adult mentors do not express positive interest and belief in the child’s abilities.  Adults can openly demonstrate a willingness to listen, giving a child full attention where possible, by trying to block out other distractions and focus on the child.  Appropriate listening skills include demonstrating interest by using direct and gentle eye contact, a body posture that leans toward the child, and paraphrasing (“If I understand you correctly, you’re saying ____ .  Is that right?” or “Does this mean you’d like to do ______?”) Using open responses indicates that the listener heard and understood what was said.

Expressing Anger:

Children respond to how they are spoken to.  Threatening, criticizing and belittling verbal communications are not only ineffective but also demeaning to the child and their peers. Anger expresses hostility and may reinforce a child’s deliberate or unconscious efforts to provoke you.  It can stifle positive communication as a child may feel threatened and become defensive in order to save face.  Before taking action or expressing yourself in anger, think about the situation, how your reaction will be interpreted by the child or the group, and if there are alternative ways to present your point of view and exercise your authority in the situation.